Tagged: I don’t know what to do with my life

Stuck in a rut


If only I was a large fibreglass frog, life wouldn’t be so complicated

Oh hey there January blues, I knew you were coming – what took you so long?

So, we’re nearing the end of January now, but I’m still in a reflective mood.  Much of this month has already been spent away from home.  I spent the new year back in Berlin, drinking champagne on a balcony and watching Neukölln explode, whiled away the first week there and headed off to Dublin for my birthday on January 10th.  Now that the first month is almost out, I’m still not sure where this year is going.  I had plans for 2014.  New years resolutions.  Goals.  Determination.  Energy.  Ambition.  I was going to make this year the year.  The year I did it.  Made it happen.  The only problem was, and is, enduringly it seems, that I have absolutely no idea what it is.

Is it the perfect job I’m after?  The one where I get to make the most of my talents and creativity.  I would probably get to do lots of research and writing on art, business, culture, the economy, maybe take some photos, do something crafty, hone my Photoshop skills.  This would be the job in the right city, the right country.  The one where I am challenged to improve constantly.  The one where I get to meet interesting and intelligent people who inspire me.  The one where the work feels satisfying and fulfilling rather than grinding.  The job I really believe in, instead of towing the company line.  Is that it for this year, is that what I want?

Is it the enviable travel plans?  I didn’t do too badly in 2013 after all, I made it to 4 different countries, and 2 new ones.  I talked the night away in Copenhagen, swam in the lakes outside Berlin, I soaked up the culture in Vienna, the scenery in Salzburg.  I took an alpine train through the breathtaking Brenner Pass on my way to Verona.  I experienced a full turn of fortune’s wheel in Florence, and finally ended up in the autumn mists of Venice where my errant lover and I experienced some ill timed food poisoning.  Bellissimo!  I was soul searching throughout, but beyond the immediate of ‘this!’ ‘travelling!’ I still couldn’t come up with an answer for what I wanted to do with my life.  So maybe that‘s it for 2014, I should do everything I can just to scrape some money for the next adventure, go further away, set more ambitious travel plans.  Make that my goal.

Is it the big move to a new place?  I had a go at this in 2013 as well, but surprisingly enough Berlin was a riddled mess of problems that I had no scope for before I actually got there.  The catch 22 bureaucracy, the language barrier, the difficulty in meeting people who might be sticking around, the difficulty of finding somewhere to live, playing chicken with my finances, and really wondering if I was better off spending my time and money just travelling after all. Ooops.  I would do it completely differently if I made the attempt again . . . but should I?  And should it be Berlin again, or somewhere else?  Where?  These exact same problems are just waiting in the shadows of the next place I ‘move’ to, but of course the alternative of staying in England seems worse.  No easy paths here my dear, so is it the difficult road abroad again in 2014, previous lessons carefully considered?

Is it progression in my own work?  By this I mean writing, drawing, creating artwork etc.  Now that really is a tricky one, since it’s difficult for me to establish how ‘progression’ might be measured in this sense.  Could I aim to have something published in a magazine, or on a website that isn’t my own blog?  Could I try to sell my crafty bits and pieces  at a craft fair?  Do I really need that sort of validation and feedback, or is it ok for me to just quietly get on with the things I like and take pleasure in?  Last year I did the latter, and I aim to put plenty of time and effort into developing my skills this year.  I can’t help but feel I could ‘exploit’ them more to my advantage somehow though.  But how?

Is it time to go back to school?  Being an arts graduate having a life crisis I get asked quite often if I have considered teaching.  WHAT AN ORIGINAL SUGGESTION, YES I HAVE CONSIDERED TEACHING, AND NO I DON’T WANT TO DO IT AT THIS TIME, OTHERWISE I WOULD BE DOING IT.  I’m not saying I won’t ever, just not right now, thanks.  I have quite a few friends at various stages of becoming teachers, and it looks like mighty hard (though very rewarding) work.  Something you really ought to show some love and commitment for, probably something that fits in with your life philosophy and calm, patient, child friendly temperament.  Not something you do on a whim because it seems secure enough, and you don’t know what else to do.

What I’m really talking about here is becoming a student again myself.  A masters is completely out of the question since I can’t afford it, but I would, perhaps, like to go to language school.  This was one of the things-I-should-have-known-to-do items off my Berlin list.  I can speak basic German, but a spot of intensive language school wouldn’t go amiss.  Learning languages is fiendishly hard and not particularly fun in my experience, but it’s a pill I’m willing to swallow.  Language school is not terribly cheap though, which brings me back to the question of . . . would I be better spending my meagre money elsewhere, like on travel?  Argh.  I would also like to learn a little graphic design, since I have hunch I would probably be pretty good and it would fit in nicely with my current skill set.  Same financial puzzle applies.

Is it time to find the right person to settle down with?  HA.  Ok, I laugh even writing that since you can’t flick a switch and just make that happen.  Of all the musings on my list I really believe that’s the one you can’t make a goal.  Sure, I can learn InDesign and take an immersive course in German, I can save up to go to Peru or scrub floors in the alps if I’m single minded enough.  But I can’t magic up a special someone.  My facebook feed would suggest otherwise though.  Screw you facebook feed.  Babies, weddings and settling is nowhere on the agenda, but maybe a partner in crime for everything else is about to appear from the ether in 2014?

I suspect what will happen this year will be a mixture of all the things I’ve outlined here.  All things considered I felt like I did achieve a lot in 2013, even if things rarely turned out at I expected . . . the trouble was that much of last year was plagued by indecision and I was constantly second guessing myself, and trying to work out what I was ‘really’ supposed to be doing.  I was hoping I’d shake off that feeling, but it’s still hanging around, I’m still stuck in the same rut.  I have plenty of ideas, a lot of fear, and not much money.  And I’m making it up as I go along.  Again.  Always.  WHAT COULD GO WRONG?


I don’t know what to do when I graduate (and I graduated two years ago)


Photo credit: The Guardian/Getty Images

I believe that at one time graduation was supposed to be a happy occasion.  The pinnacle of your academic success and perseverance which would open doors to a bright future.  Following graduation you would make a pain free transition to a good job that matched your skill level and fired your enthusiasm.  You would want to work hard at your career because you loved it, found inspiration and satisfaction in your work.  You would take pride in what you did.  You would be eager to work with those more experienced than you because you wanted to continually improve.  You would be successful.  So where did it all go wrong?

Today marks the second anniversary of my own graduation, so I thought this would be an appropriate time to write a follow up of the most popular post on my blog so far: 10 things I have learnt since finishing university in 2011  I was surprised and gratified that so many people got in touch with me about this post, just as I continue to be surprised and a little subdued to see it recurring in my stats.  Why subdued?  Well, I feel sad that so many people out there are anxious about how they will cope after graduation – and I feel worse that I can’t offer any ‘real’ help or advice beyond sharing my own experiences.  By the time my graduation rolled around in November 2011 I was dreading it.  In fact, I’d been dreading finishing university for a very long time before that because I knew my prospects were looking bleak.  At the time I graduated I was unemployed in a recession wracked Dublin, living in a sparse bedsit paid for by benefits.  I may have just graduated from a prestigious university but I was poor, I was unhappy, and I did not view my graduation as a cause for celebration.

Even setting aside the plethora of expected early 20s mistakes I have made since then, I have recently been feeling less than optimistic about ever being able to live an independent adult life on more than an occasional temporary basis.  I’m curious about what’s actually going wrong, is it the much decried pitfalls of the millenial generation, is it me as a person, my background, my skills, the economy, a combination of those things, or something else entirely?

Is this just the fate of millennials?

Lazy, entitled, spoilt.

Exploited, unpaid, unemployed.

Every generation has a thing.  Young people in the 20s had the champagne and the glitter, in the 30s it was depression and unemployment, in the 40s it was the war and austerity, in the 50s teenagers began their earnest evolution and ‘angry young men’ began to ascend the ranks, and in the 60s there was flower power and some very real power in hands of young protesters, so what’s our thing?

Are we really the peter-pan generation, doomed to never fully grow up?  We will be living with our parents for the rest of our lives, gradually acclimatising to this dependency after the government funded blip of independence that was university, typing out angry blog entries in childhood bedrooms and wondering what it would be like if we’d been able to have things like houses, families and secure jobs.  Assuming we finally manage to get a paying job and decide we would like to have a go at being an actual adult, what is waiting for us around the corner?  What I have found really disquieting in recent months is the way that banks have identified millennials living with their parents as a core market and have started producing adverts like these:

That such a thing as a parent guaranteed mortgage should even exist seems immensely disappointing and worrying to me.  I think it is a distressing reflection on our society when a large proportion of young people are unable to take out a mortgage when this has previously been the norm for other generations in the UK.  Traditionally a lot of emphasis has been put on home ownership here unlike other countries such Germany where only 42% of people own their own home compared to Britain’s 69% (Wiki).  I don’t think it’s in any way acceptable that young (presumably working) couples should have to put off having a family of their own and move back in with their parents in order to save for a deposit, which is why the Natwest advert in particular makes me shiver.  My parents had a mortgage in their early 20s, and while I expect there to be some generational shift I still used to think at some point in my life it would be possible for me to buy a house, but this is beginning to seem increasingly unlikely, not to mention unpalatable.

Is it me?

Or if you’re reading this, then is it you?  Are your own personal foibles getting in the way of you securing the sort of life you would like?  Or even the sort of life you might temporarily be able to put up with if it leads to something better?  Personal issues might be anything from not applying to jobs which you feel are ‘beneath you’ even though nothing else is forthcoming, to general cluelessness on how to behave in an office (no mobiles, no ASOS, no facebook!) or really destructive and really hard-to-work-on things like lack of self confidence.  Only you -or possibly the more objective voices of those around you- will be able to pinpoint the things that might be holding you back, but here are a few little personal tics of mine:

  • I have commitment issues.  Surprise surprise, a few years of temporary work and a willingness to broaden my career horizons out of necessity, means that I am now a commitment-phobe.  I’ve spent so long having to be open to any ‘opportunity’ that I no longer know what I want.  But whatever it is definitely doesn’t come in the form of a 3 month probation period and a one year contract (yikes!)  I would have loved to have landed a permanent job straight from university, but that isn’t what happened and now I have itchy feet.  Even if I was lucky enough to get it, the thought of a job I might have for the next 10 years terrifies me – I’m not ready for it.  40 hours a week until the end of time?  26 days holiday a year?  When will I be able to go backpacking in Australia?  What happens if change my mind about my Really Good, Serious Adult Job at a Prestigious Institution?  Will I spend the rest of my life regretting it?  As I read back over this paragraph I feel guiltily like one of those spoilt millennials (not me, surely . . .) you keep hearing about.  Should I grow up and get on with it?  I have to yield to the unfolding eternity of a 9-5 job and the corporate horror it entails at some point, right?  But maybe not, as suggested by this excellent article from Forbes magazine, millennials are particularly keen to avoid becoming corporate serfs.
  • I don’t want to live in England.  This was the reason I went to university in Dublin, and it’s the reason I continue to flirt with the idea of Berlin; even though the language barrier, loneliness, paperwork and sheer up hill struggle of it all is now plainly apparent.  It’s tough to complete applications for fantastic jobs knowing that even if I was lucky enough to get them then deep down I still wouldn’t want to live in England.  I don’t want to hold myself back, but I also don’t want to deliberately put myself in a tough situation.
  • Lack of self confidence.  All of those rejection emails and job centre visits have a way of eroding your self confidence the point of none existence.  What’s left is a shy and timid person locked in a closed sphere of loathing and self doubt.  Stellar employee material, I think you’ll all agree.

Is it my background?


Go getting Girls: Hannah’s parents would no longer support her unpaid internship in New York, but could your parents afford to do this in the first place?  And should they have to?

Way back in the summer of 2010 preceding my final year at university I knew that what would really help me out would be a summer internship in order to get some relevant experience (I wanted to work in publishing) on my CV.  But of course I couldn’t afford to work unpaid unless I was living at home at Manchester (where publishing houses are thin on the ground, surprisingly) and even aside from that I needed to save up for a new laptop on which I would be able to hammer out my final year essays and subsequent lengthy job applications.  I spent the summer working for minimum wage in a shop at the airport where I would get up every morning at 4am.  The job was bad and the wages were bad, but the worst thing was acknowledging that massive gulf between what I knew I wanted to do, and what I actually had to do.  When I encountered more wealthy acquaintances back at college who had spent the summer working unpaid internships at exclusive galleries in Hoxton or ‘researching’ dissertation ideas abroad I was ashamed about what I had been getting up to, so I kept my mouth shut.

It’s no secret that social mobility in the UK is at a low ebb.  If, like me, you went to a state school, your parents did not go to university, you are from a modest or low income household, you are not ‘well connected’ with anyone high up in your chosen career path, then you are going to struggle.  This government report, ‘State of the Nation 2013: social mobility and child poverty in Great Britain’ highlights some interesting points about socio-economic class and opportunity:

And graduates who attended private schools are more likely to secure a top job 6 months after graduation than individuals from state schools with similar characteristics and similar levels of educational achievement. Despite the same prior academic attainment, subject choices and university, a private school student has a 3 percentage point higher chance of entering a top occupation. This is a greater difference than the 2.3 percentage points between men and women. (page 238)

And this is what it had to say about unpaid internships:

The Commission’s impression is that there have been improvements in the open advertising of internship opportunities. However, on the wider issue of ending illegal unpaid internships, good intentions do not yet seem to have changed practice. Although their informal nature means it is difficult to accurately judge the extent of the problem, there is anecdotal evidence of young people commonly working for long periods for free.  The Low Pay Commission, which has been looking at the issue closely, has this year warned: ‘Despite the targeted enforcement of unlawful internships which breach the National Minimum Wage we continue to receive evidence of widespread non-payment of the minimum wage for positions that appear to be work. The longer this continues the greater is the risk that extracting work from unpaid interns becomes a “new normal’.  It highlighted film and fashion as sectors of concern. The Commission has also heard concerns about the media, and about the charity sector’s definition of certain roles as volunteering, enabling  employers to be exempt from National Minimum Wage guidelines. (page 240)

As if this isn’t bad enough I’ve heard whispers from across the pond of internships where not only do you not get paid, but you have to pay the company for the privilege of the placement.  Let’s hope this level of exploitation does not catch on in London (if it has not already? Examples welcome).

Is it my skills?

If your life long dream was always to be a high school maths or science teacher then you are in luck because there is currently a massive shortage in this area.  Estimates earlier this year suggested that 100,000 secondary school students were in danger of being taught by teachers not qualified in those subjects.  My guess would be that a lack of qualified teachers able to pass on their own enthusiasm for those subjects is an indicator for poor take up levels in the future, and so the cycle perpetuates.

I never had much of an interest in the sums, but these days I feel like my set of skills is under some harsh scrutiny.  I got good GCSEs, excellent A-levels and a solid degree from a reputable university, but depending on who you talk to my skills are either ‘lacking’ or I’m ‘overqualified’.  While a crash course on some fashionable in demand skills such as use of java, html and Adobe Illustrator wouldn’t go amiss, I’m still hoping that actually, maybe, my high level of literacy might be useful to someone.

Is it the economy?


Is it something else entirely?

At the moment I am reading ‘Dorian’ by Will Self, an imitation of the Wilde classic.  The terminally beautiful and fabulously rich Dorian, a recent art history graduate from Oxford, is found schmoozing with artists around London and volunteering at a homeless shelter while trying to determine his path in life.  In the studio of ‘Baz’ Hallward he encounters  the effervescent Henry Wotton who wryly observes,

‘You should remember, my young friend, if you don’t know what you want to do, at least do something.  There’s no other cure for indecisiveness.’

I don’t know what to do.  That’s a short sentence, but a big problem – and I believe it is one that most young people encounter at some point.  Working out exactly what it is that will make you happy, and figuring out how to achieve that while rolling with the punches, is incredibly difficult; and I respect anyone who has managed to figure this out.  I have often heard it said that the people who still don’t know what they want to do when they are x age are some of the most interesting people.  I’ve also heard the Chinese curse, ‘may your life be interesting’.  Let’s hope for all our sakes that this is just an interesting phase, both in our lives and our economies.  And in the meantime?  At least do something.